Women of a certain age need help. Luckily, there is help available. With the huge Boomer Generation now approaching their dotage, the free market has seen the opportunity for huge profits, and thus the underwear and cosmetic giants have introduced many miracle products.
I have five different pairs of Spanx. These wonder undergarments slim you, make you look firm, and remain somehow comfortable for long periods. I remember the old days of long line girdles, and I DO NOT want to go back there! I have black Spanx for evening wear, skin toned Spanx for every day, and for extra special occasions, I have a Spanx bra/panty combination that makes me look fine even in a TIGHT TOP.
These days, sweating is no longer a worry. The pharmaceutical folks have figured out a way to make their deodorants PRESCRIPTION STRENGTH. This means that hot flashes can’t ruin my silk blouse. I haven’t bought a silk blouse in years, but I could if I wanted to, thanks to those scientists.
Wrinkles and crows feet? I LAUGH AT THEM. Those powder foundations seem to banish just about all my flaws! I buy creams that burn the hell out of my face when I put them on, but boy, they peel off all my spots and leave baby clear skin in their wake. Some very rich dermatologists apparently have discovered the fountain of youth, and now you don’t have to visit their competitors, the plastic surgeons! OH NO. Now you just purchase extremely expensive lotions and creams after your yearly mole check!
Those hair dye people have been making money for years. But they too have refined their products, so that you don’t have to drip dye all over your good towels or worry about dark roots. Now you can COMB on your dripless hair dye, and use a mascara-like thingy to banish roots when they show up suddenly.
I love to use facials that peel off. I study the peel after I remove it, and marvel at all that debris that must have been in my pores. I also use those scrubby, sandy exfoliators. They are guaranteed to “smooth your face and make you glow.”
I am menopausal, but I look marvelous. I have my beauty routine down to a science. I look almost as good as I did when I was in my twenties. I swagger around the Mall in my Spankified glory, glowing, radiating youth and confidence.
But it takes me two hours to get ready to leave the house.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I need lessons.
ReplyDeleteYou're still getting out of the house quicker than I am. And probably better looking too.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to do any of this. I just go as I am.
ReplyDeleteIs that legal?
Wait. Don't answer that.
This is awesome. What's sad is that I'm 31 and already doing most of this stuff. Eeek!
ReplyDeleteCan I get an "Amen?" I had a secret weapon that my mother once referred to as the "iron lung." It was a girdle from the 60's with actual boning that could turn a size 8 into a size 2 with one cinch of the laces. She bequeathed it to me for my senior prom, with the words, "You won't be able to eat, sit, or take a full breath...but you will look marvelous!" Thankfully, Spanx is far more comfortable :)
ReplyDeleteWell, it certainly makes me feel better that all you young girls are doing this! And Cassandra, you look MAHVELOUS!molly
ReplyDeleteI must get myself some Spanx RIGHT NOW!
ReplyDeleteI am not sure that I look as good as I did in my twenties, but I honestly don't care that much. It takes me the exact same amount of time to leave my house as it took when I was in my twenties . . .
ReplyDeleteExactly as long as it takes me to walk to the front door and turn the knob.
Think of all I am doing outside while you are getting ready!
kris@prettyalltrue.com
I feel like a man at a bridal shower.
ReplyDeleteI'm outta here. :)
A man at a bridal shower! I love it! And Kris, you are getting a lot done out there, BUT YOU ARE STILL IN YOUR FORTIES!!! molly
ReplyDeleteI, too, am a woman of that "certain age". Or, maybe beyond. I was thinking I would either have to starve myself 'til death or give up and just let it all hang out. Spanx, huh? Never heard of 'em. Maybe I really can have my cake and eat it too.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I was smiling when I read your post, and then my smile got bigger when I read all the comments until I got to Duane Scott. I laughed out loud.
ReplyDeleteYou go, Molly. Hard to believe you went through menopause at 35, cuz you don't look over 37.
Siana is in charge of tips and tricks - to keep things like turkey neck and wrinkles at bay. Tricia is lazy and depends on Siana to give her the good moisturizing tips ;) Tricia wills soon be attempting to loose baby weight and will need ALL your tips!!
ReplyDeleteAs for the 2 hour regime, whatever makes you feel beautiful is worth it, although we'd venture to say you are beautiful beyond any techniques you can think of!
I personally think "spanxified" is a brilliant new word! As genius as the invention itself.
ReplyDeleteYou look Magnificent!
ReplyDeleteLuv the "Spanxified" - When my DD got married, I wore two pairs under my MOB dress! Didn't pee much that day! Like you, I own all different kinds and colors.
You'll have to fess up & let us know about the brands of peels you use - and I wouldn't go without mineral makeup any longer (have a wonderful company I do reviews for).
And sadly, I don't hit the ground running in the am any longer, and need the 2 hrs to get ready like you do when I go out. But when I have enough time, darn, I look pretty good!
Love this, Molly! I just got back from Hawaii and saw the pics of me in a two piece. Now I'm wishing I'd had spanx for that! Oh well, maybe the easier thing to do is have my graphic design daughter just touch up my photos and continue to live in a world of make believe. It's easier on my ego:)
ReplyDeleteNo need to grow old gracefully these days. As always a wonderful post. Today I have learnt all about Spanx - do they do industrial strength? I fear this will be the only thing to keep me looking slim and firm.
ReplyDeleteAs mum of a 6 year old, beauty regime and me is a combination that is a bit hit and miss! One does what one can!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
I love all your comments. Yes, Petty, they do come in industrial strength! I have a pair of those. NOT QUITE so comfortable. Barbara, that is what AIR BRUSHING is for! And Cindi--I wore two PAIRS OF DRESS SHIELDS under my wedding dress! molly
ReplyDeleteFacial peels? Why would I want to peel my face? O.o And that, in a nutshell, is my concept of "personal care."
ReplyDeleteAngie, I am a sucker for cosmetics! I have no defense. molly
ReplyDeleteThe only difference between being 20 and 50, is the amount of time it takes to get ready to walk out the door.:-)
ReplyDeleteSpanx saved my two-baby-just-barely-out-of-the-postpartum-period-body in the THREE wedding that I'm in. I can't WAIT to see what all that other stuff can do for me!
ReplyDeleteCynthia and Alex, we are one, no matter the age. I just got a new make up brush, and as soon as I can figure out how to get it out of the packaging, I am sure it will further enhance my appearance...molly
ReplyDeleteYour post made me laugh:-) Loved it and I am a big believer in Spanx!
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my blog today, too!