PART TWO--MY FAVORITE THINGS

Raindrops on roses are fine. Whiskers on kittens are adorable. But COME ON. Who in their right mind would put these on a list of their favorites? It is time to revise that old saw and get REAL. Today’s world has turned so many times since Julie Andrews climbed that mountain! Here are a few of MY favorite things:

Central air conditioning. How in heaven’s name has mankind done without it? And now, with global warming? I can’t even imagine how pioneer women got through menopause.

Target. In one place, there is everything a person could want. In one day, at one place, I can stock up on underwear, coffee filters, popcorn, dental floss, patio furniture, M and M’s, and Swiffer Wet Jet refills. It is as near to achieving Nirvana as I will ever get.

The microwave oven. Without this, life on earth would grind to a halt. People would be late for work, waiting for water to boil for coffee. Long lines would form at take out windows. Families would miss soccer practices and be late for church. The company that makes Pizza Rolls would go out of business. My God, the ENTIRE ECONOMY would suffer!

CAKE. And if it is chocolate, with butter cream icing, I would commit a CRIME to get some.

Pets. I don’t trust people who don’t like animals. I cannot fathom a life without them. Siamese cats are the very best. They think they rule the world. Second to Siamese are cats of any variety, shape or size, as long as the purr mechanism is in working order. Dogs are best when mixed of breed, about to be eliminated at the shelter, and forever grateful to you for rescuing them. Pets give you love, courage, and renewed faith in living. Plus furballs on the carpet, scuff marks on the hardwood, and a crowded bed at night.

Self tanning lotion. Oh, my gosh, did you know about this stuff? Those days of turning orange after two applications are gone! Now I can wear Capri pants proudly! A word of caution, however—the warning on the label about washing hands after applying is still of utmost importance.

Shout wipes. These must have been invented for the Baby Boomer generation. With our eyesight going and our eye/hand coordination on the decline, eating at a restaurant can be MIGHTY EMBARRASSING! But now, just whip one of these out of your pocket or purse, and in seconds, that salad dressing will vanish from the front of your shirt!

Cell phones. Now I can call my daughters from ANYWHERE, ANYTIME! I can have a conversation in the checkout line at Walgreen’s! I can contact my gynecologist while filling my car up with gas! I can have my own unique ringtone, and since I am so old and hearing impaired, I can set the volume up real high—so that EVERYONE at the grocery store can hear “Amazing Grace” on the bagpipes when I get a call! And with Twitter, I can tell the world what I am doing every minute, all the time!

Finally, HERE IS A NOTE TO MY HUSBAND: The above listing is a small compendium of things that I love, but as far as YOU are concerned, just one thing counts:

DIAMONDS.