Saturday, August 21, 2010

HERE COMES THE SON

I successfully raised two daughters. At least, in my view, they grew up just fine. They are both lovely looking, they have good table manners, they know how to run meetings, and they both have managed to snag equally adorable young men.

We had a discussion about this very thing the last time both girls were home. I have to admit that I was shocked at what they revealed: my girls think that had I had a son, he would have turned out “all wrong.”

By “all wrong,” they explained, I would have encouraged a myriad of behaviors that are frowned upon by the masculine gender. According to the girls, a son born into the Campbell family would begin by playing dolls, move on to acting out plays in the driveway, most likely write poems during adolescence, and abhor sports. “But that sounds like a GIRL,” I told them. “EXACTLY,” they replied.

Apparently, as a mother, I was quite a pansy. I thought ALL mothers read “The Secret Garden” out loud to their kids. And telling children that mud pies are unsanitary is the truth, isn’t it? Although I do remember one particular visit when MY mother, as a houseguest, remarked that “Your girls don’t seem to get very dirty, do they?”

Come on! I was a good old American Mom! I let the girls play outside every day! They could stay out as long as they wanted, as long as they had on number 30 sunscreen, bug spray with DEET, and protective gear such as bike helmets, elbow padding, and shin guards. And by the way, despite protection, both girls managed to break at least two bones each during their childhoods.

The girls went on to say that the Campbell son would have also been “all wrong,” in his leisure pursuits. This boy, let’s call him “Ian,” which is what I would have named him, would have been teased about his name by boys named Bob and Chip. He would have grown up going to theatre camp in the summer, entering poetry contests, being the editor of the school newspaper, and playing bridge. Of course, I have no idea how to play bridge, but the girls assure me that “Ian” would know how.

Poor “Ian.” He would not have many friends. He would be tall and knobby, like his father. And good grief, it wouldn’t be ALL my fault: he would most likely play THE ACCORDION in the basement with his Dad. Consensus further states that “Ian”would have a gap between his front teeth (both my children received the blessings of orthodontics, so I am mystified) and would not attract girls.

It is a great relief to me that I had the appropriate children. Evidently, I am just not cut out to nurture males. I do admit that I am baffled by the results of testosterone: huge shoes, mouth guards of all sizes and colors, Old Spice, and fisticuffs. And I do enjoy “inside voices.” “The Secret Garden” was a WONDERFUL story. Oh, my gosh, it’s true. If I had had sons, they would have all been contestants on “Project Runway.”

NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

22 comments:

  1. hahaha. I love Project Runway. And you never know. Ian could have been so much boy that you wouldn't know how to contain him. just sayin.

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  2. I had boys. What does it say about me?

    Hmm. You don't need to answer that. Really, you don't.

    I had 4 brothers, too. I guess I was being prepared. Life with boys is a very different place than life with girls.

    One thing's for sure, if you had a son, he'd have a good sense of humor.

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  3. LOL! I've got a 14 year old son and I can't imagine how I would have parented girls.

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  4. I'm pretty sure Ian would have rebelled somewhere along the line and refused to wear a bike helmet while playing the accordion. I think your son would be a stand-up comic and the gap in his teeth would just give him that extra quirk like David Letterman's goofy grin. He'd turn out just fine once he had a few years of therapy under his belt and learned to deal with his germ phobia.

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  5. If your son was lucky, he'd turn out straight as an arrow, but still get on Project Runway. Then he'd get the backstage views of all the models getting changed. Awesome. :)

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  6. ***They are both lovely looking, they have good table manners, they know how to run meetings***

    I wasn't aware that being able to run meetings is the hallmark of a well brought up child. I guess I should tell my mom that my sister and I are brats.

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  7. Well, my son grew up very masculine, and it must have been in spite of me. He has followed in his Dad's footsteps musically, has been independent since the age of 17, while my daughter has stayed close all her life. How different they are. Not my fault-they are who they are. (Daughter can run a meeting as a D.O.N.)

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  8. My gosh, the comments are funnier than my post! You guys are the best! molly

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  9. As mother of a boy, I can reassure you that the power of nature over nurture is very, very strong. All ideas of non-gender-specific behaviour went quickly out the window.

    In my experience, boys will be boys. Or not. I'm sure you would have raised a beautiful boy - he might not have made onto Project Runway, but he would have enjoyed watching it with you. ;)

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  10. My husband tells me ALL the time that it is a good thing I had girls! Great post!
    Andrea
    @gr8thoughts

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  11. According to my daughter, I have raised my male dogs to be "light in the loafers". I say there's nothing wrong with a boy who loves his mother.
    Nx

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  12. Yeah, so my kids (boys and girls alike) have all gone to theater camp. I read The Secret Garden AND A Little Princess aloud to them, but we also read the entire Captain Underpants series. My eldest son is 16 and he watches decorating shows when he thinks no one is looking. He's not much into sports, though he spends tons of time on his bike.

    And yet, he's quite popular and he has girls chasing him all the time, so in spite of it all? He's done OK.

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  13. Ian would have been the best of both! A real macho jock who knew how to cook, clean, and appreciate the HDTV network.

    And who knows? He might have grown up to be a multi-millionaire stand upcomic, whose material all revolved around his lovable, kooky, pansy mom.

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  14. This is very gratifying to me, and I have told both my daughters that they should be ashamed of themselves. molly

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  15. Sounds like the ideal male specimen to me. I'm sure Ian would have grown up to be a wonderful, sensitive human being. By the way i like the name Ian.

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  16. So funny! I have 6 boys and only one girl! It was a good thing too, as I still climb trees and ripstik. Thankfully, Heather turned out just fine-somehow!

    Patty @ beyond-5 on twitter

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  17. How funny, my mother always used to thank God she only had two daughters for the same reason! I've got both sexes in our household but find that we are a 'geeky' lot. Son doesn't do drama but does spend a heck of a lot of time on the PS3 or computer!

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  18. We think we would have liked Ian a lot, he'd probably be our best friend! :)

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  19. I'll send my boys over Molly!! LOL So we can test it out!! JK It is amazing that your Girls are wonderful! My boys are growing up and I just pray, pray, pray and pray! Life is complicated and all about having fun I have NO CLUE what I would do with girls!! ;)

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  20. Five children taught me that ALL children are different. Living in the country allowed them all to do earthy country things, playing in streams, gathering wild blackberries, fishing in a pond, riding horses all over the place. They are all thankful for that. 2 are Girls and 3 are boys. And all that nurture versus nature stuff just exploded in the face of REAL BOYS. Even boys exhibit varying degress of "boyness". But it is vastly different from many girls (not all). You learn how to do it, though.
    My husband would occassionally take me aside and say," They are boys. What they are doing is perfectly OK for a regular guy to do."
    Thank goodness he was there to reassure me because otherwise I would have thought they were completely out of the bounds of normal behavior.
    www.bonniebmatheson.com

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  21. I have a boy and a girl so I have to bop between gender-appropriate activities. Hope I'm getting it right! Sounds like you did just fine ... pansy or no pansy! ;0)

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