THE LESSER BLESSINGS

All around America, in kitchens and dining rooms this Thursday, people will gather to give thanks. Many of us make it a ritual, going around the table reciting what we are most thankful for. What a wonderful custom! However, there IS an element of political correctness involved. EVERYONE is thankful for family, love, pets, abundance, good fortune, and good will. But I am willing to bet thousands that there is not one woman in America who would be REALLY honest and say she is thankful for tampons, for example. But there are just so many things that make life worth living, and I, FOR ONE, am going to go on record this year and say what I AM REALLY THANKFUL FOR.

CEREAL. Back in the day, you could have Corn Flakes or Corn Flakes. These days, there is a myriad of choices, and they are all so delicious! High fiber, fruity, puffed, rolled. You can eat it cold. You can eat it hot. You can eat it right out of the box, for heaven’s sake! And it is fast, easy, and portable. I have it for at least one meal a day, and for that, I am thankful!

DEODORANT. This was truly a tremendous leap forward for mankind. Without it, many people might never have found a life partner! Would ANYONE go to the gym if it weren’t for deodorant? Therefore, we have deodorant to thank for lower cholesterol levels, longer life spans, and that honed “six pack” look. Without deodorant, no one would be able to attend sporting events without getting nauseous from the fumes. SO WITHOUT IT, THERE WOULD BE NO SUPERBOWL!

SPANDEX. Now, this one is HUGE. Without it, women my age would not be able to wear tight pants and still breathe. Spandex made leggings possible. Men should also be very thankful for Spandex, without which Pamela Anderson might have looked dumpy.

THE VACUUM CLEANER. I can’t imagine what life must have been like for women who had to use a BROOM to try to clean house. Why, just today, I spilled a box of cereal on the kitchen floor at lunchtime, and before you could say “Tony the Tiger,” it was all cleaned up. Beating rugs with a stick? Forget it! Cat hair? It would never come off the carpet with a broom! If I had lived a before the advent of the Dyson, my life would have consisted of sheer drudgery and lots of unwanted crumbs.

THE BIG BOX STORE. I know, Wal-Mart might be evil. But honestly, when time is at a minimum, one trip does it all. I am still astounded by the sheer diversity offered by the big boxes: you can get bug killer, mulch, toilet paper, apricots, best sellers, pinto beans, and organic tomatoes there. You can get your hair cut, nails done, and develop photos. There is a bank in there! Starbucks! You could actually LIVE at a big box store. Wait a minute! Should I be thankful for this or not?

CORTISONE CREAM. Cortisone is the tenth wonder of the world. It cures everything. If it itches, put cortisone on it. If it burns, put cortisone on it. If it looks puffy, cortisone will de-puff. You can do just about anything but cook with the stuff. Remember the “heartbreak of psoriasis?” Of course you don’t, because there is CORTISONE CREAM!

KLEENEX. Everyone who knows me personally will vouch for the fact that I could not exist without it. I blow my nose, or attend to it in some fashion, at least three times an hour. As a matter of fact, Kleenex is a part of my persona: one of my friends said, “I saw you on Monday at the corner of X and Y Street! Of course it was you! She was blowing her nose!”

And finally, I am thankful for THE INTERNET. I have friends now in England, New Zealand, France, Canada, and all over the United States, thanks to Etsy and Facebook. I can Google whatever I want to. I can buy everything on the internet that I can’t find at a big box store! I can SELL stuff! I can watch a movie, a hilarious video of a cat playing the piano, or a film clip of a gorilla playing dominoes. But this is what I am most thankful for:

THE INTERNET IS THE HOME OF THE BLOG.