TEN (OR ELEVEN) TRUTHS

As we age, we become wiser. The older I become, the more truths stare me in the face. I feel it is imperative for me to write them down. I want to share them with the world. Secondarily, if I don’t write them down, at my age, I am liable to forget them! So here goes:

You truly cannot judge a book by its cover. Beautiful people can be horribly ugly inside. So why do the rest of us spend so much time trying for physical perfection? The money that I have spent on make up and Slim Fast bars would save the economy! And my gym memberships alone could fund a small third world country. I am sure that I am not alone in this…but then I remember the wonderful man in front of me at the check out line who stepped aside, the time worn woman at the farmer’s market who gave me extra tomatoes free, and for heaven’s sakes, SUSAN BOYLE!

Time goes faster as you age. When my kids were little, the time between early June and when school began again WAS AN ETERNITY. As the days dragged along, my two bored and fractious children challenged me at every turn to entertain and distract them from the sheer ennui of summer vacation. Today, they are adults with their own lives, and summer comes and goes before I even have time to get all the screens washed!

The older one gets, the poorer the digestion. I have one word for all people over the age of 40 who insist upon eating baked beans, coleslaw, raw onions, and garlic: BEANO.

Very young and very beautiful people often have nothing AT ALL to say. We all know this. So why do virtually ALL men who get divorced marry second wives at least twenty years younger than they are? Could it be that great conversation is overrated?

Sixty is today’s forty. My God, at this rate, we will achieve immortality within one or two generations! We eat right, we exercise, we read self help books, we know the value of stress reduction. Fountain of youth? Or just Botox and frequent exfoliation?

No pain, no gain. This one has been debunked by exercise physiologists. The rest of us will tell you that if you live a full life, it will be painful. Without pain, how would we know when happiness hits us?

The way to a man’s heart is via his stomach. Not. If that were true, why would there be a Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated? Why would the NBA players earn so much money? Do wives worry about that twenty-something girl in the next apartment, or the chef that lives down the hall?

Chocolate might be able to cure cancer. Until someone proves this, I put blind faith in the healing powers of hot fudge sundaes.

Everyone has a story. As you trudge through your day, worrying about whatever threatens you at the moment, don’t forget that the meter maid has her troubles, the letter carrier may be in the throes of a horrid divorce, that the person who cut you off in traffic may have just lost his/her job. That rude waitress may have a dry socket! Go ahead, and give her the benefit of the doubt and twenty percent. You might be saving her life!

Having pets can lower your blood pressure. If this is true, our family must be barely able to stand up. Between the four of us, we have thirteen cats, one dog, and three horses. Our blood pressures are great, but the bills for kibble, Frontline, alfalfa, veterinarians and catnip mice are KILLING US.

If life hands out lemons, wise people make lemonade. My dear husband, a stroke victim who had to learn how to speak, write, and understand language all over again, has been making lemonade for years. His recipe? Work very hard, make a new friend every day, laugh at yourself, and when your wife makes fun of you, REVEL IN IT!

Oh yes, and eating that apple every day is very good insurance…